Everyone sucks but me

Checking out your blogs lately, I became very depressed. No one updates anymore! Where is the magic? I felt terrible about missing a few days and not checking my email or your lives when I found out - gasp - that no one else has decided to write anything. For the most part they are boring, but there is that rare gem that demands attention. Look at the infinite monkeys... I mean all you have to do is start stealing them from local zoos now, and in a few days I'm sure that they'll produce something on par with your work. Now one with today's top story... Today I'm complaining about line-ups. I really have nothing against the orderly fashion in which people remain in lines until the sun shines down upon them and it's their blessed turn to return that pair of shoes that they bought at Walmart, but the fact that people are involved usually mutilates this seemingly simple ritual. As I was, as before stated, standing in line to return a pair of shoes, I couldn't help but notice that the woman behind me was pulling a 'thong'. That is she had unsuspectingly wedged herself far up my rear end. She was, in fact, touching my back with most of her, um, ample side. Alright, so it's a line up and there are people in it, what should I expect? But when I glanced behind her, I didn't find the hordes of people eager to return a plethora of items to the confused and upset girl working behind the counter. In fact, the two of us composed the entire line up. That was it. There were no crowds pushing her into me or forcing us into a space of less then four square feet. To test my theory that she was an idiot, I took a step forward, as if to progress in the line, quickly she gathered up her grey plastic bags of crapobilia and held her real estate on my backside.

Why would she do this? I may never know. Well I suppose that after many nights of hard drinking and putting my head through china shops and bulls I could eventually degrade my IQ to somewhat the same level, but I think by that point I wouldn't remember what I was trying to answer and instead start speaking with a southern accent and spend all my time reading People magazine. Oh, and maybe the National Enquirer.

Standing there with my mystery Walmart shopper trying to exchange protein strains with me or something, I began to think about how often this happens. Think of parking, for example. You just washed your car, or parent's, and in order to keep it safe you park at the far end of the parking lot so that no one parks next to you. Yup, you guessed it, some behemoth of a Buick driven by the smallest little man you've ever seen wearing the largest cataract glasses that you've ever seen wedges up beside you. You put up a poster on the wall for say... um, a presidential campaign, and BANG, the next minute you see it surrounded by the posters of other would-be jerk-faced politicians on a large empty wall.

The point is that this kind of activity happens a lot. Why? Now comes the part of the show where I answer this age old question that I came up with earlier this afternoon...

PEOPLE ARE MINDLESS IDIOTS.

The only way that they know not to keep running is when they hit a wall. They require others to point out the boundaries so they don't go jumping off of cliffs. This is why lemmings don't work. You need at least one individual with an IQ of more then 20 to stop, wait, and show others where the cliff ends or they'll just keep on going. Look at the opera and mosh pits. (For the record I do not think that all punks/rockers are complete idiots, nor opera'ers' any smarter, but it's a great example). Let's say that rockers/punks are idiots, and those that attend the opera a smart and not just trying to shmooze to get ahead in society, the operaiens sit quietly in the seats that they paid for, realizing the stopping point, and appreciating the show unfolding in front of them, rocker/punkers on the other hand all rush the stage, moving into a frenzied mosh pitting flurry of activity, trampling the weak and exposing the bra... all because the only thing stopping them is a wall. Actually on the plus side this is a fantastic demonstration of survival of the fittest… more importantly, people are dumb.

That’s about it. I guess I could give you some super fun mission like psyching out idiots by running towards cliffs and stopping at the last moment, but I’m not sure all of who reads this, so my lawyer has advised against it. Oh, and I’m disappearing for a few days, so if you check this site faithfully to get your horoscope, um, the Magic 8 Ball says things look cloudy for a few days… try back later.