Fame and fortune await you!

No, this isn't some cheesy foreward that you send to a billion people in twenty minutes for good luck, I can promise results. If you have a blog, or a webpage, or anything inter-ma-net related, leave a comment / useless opinion with your name, or what you want to be known as, as well as the address and I can add it to my list. This makes it easier for you and all of your yuppie friends to keep in contact and only have to remember one site, instead of the twenty you probably have talking about your problems, and how much your life sucks.

In order to get you to leave info, I guess I have to kinda endorse my site. Um, people visit it. Lots of people. The last time my 'profile' updates I had nearly four hundred people, or at least visits to my profile alone. That's a lot, in comparrison to say... Phil, who only has eight. Go now, visit his profile, he's done a lot of work. You know those questions they ask you to fill out? He's actually filled them out. It's an easy way to quickly judge him.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that if you want fame, and fortune, join me... bwa ha ha ha. No really. I know where you live...

*)($#!@!!! - or - how I broke my horn driving through Sherwood Park

Don't worry, my car is already on the mend, apparently it was just a fuse and fixable. All is well with the Civic, with that out of the way I will now proceed to complain about the stupidest hamlet in the world and why it should cease to exist.

As I left work, I was in a good mood, no make that a great mood. Thanks to the hard work and dedication of other friends, I don't have to crawl into BRAC tomorrow at 7:30 and beg my boss for that one ton that I booked weeks ago that he would have again forgotten about, just like every single time I book a car through him. Anyway, instead I can sleep in, sort of, and do things that I want to do. Plus I went shopping today. That's right. I know, I never go shopping, but it was half price day at Value Village (yes, I am cheap, but still dressed better than most of you, chumps), and I had a good time there. The secret is to not try on anything, but simply realize that you can try it on in the comfort of your own home, and return whatever you don't like the next day. Oh, and I had sushi. Yuperonnies it was a good day.

I had a sucker, it was strawberry, in my mouth as I traveled down some obscurely named road in Sherwood Park, I think it's Sherwood Drive or some kind of crap like that, when lo and behold, the County had been kind enough to repair the roads for the hard-working-tax-paying-citizens of the County. Wait, what's this? You didn't really fix them so much as just filled them in with loose tiny gravel chips? What the crap is that supposed to do aside from ruining your undercarriage, sandblasting your windshield, chipping the front of your car, and killing motorcyclists everywhere? AUGH! And of course some retard decides to cut me off and now I have another chip in my already replaced windshield thanks to some jerks who had nothing better to do then throw big rocks at my car. Oh, this also occurred in the Park, the police told me, very politely, that there was simply too much of this going on to track down the criminals and that there was really nothing that they could do. Hmm, maybe instead of pulling me over for non-illegal glowlights within my cars, you could investigate some of the many murders, robberies, and vandalism cases that are occurring in your jurisdiction? Nope.

Oh, and is it just me, or is there a strange co-incidence that Hartwell glass seems to be thriving following the addition of gravel on the streets, and until this year, a certain Mr. Vern Hartwell was mayor and overseeing this kind of stuff?

Next on the agenda: construction zones. The posted speed limit for a zone such as this is 50kph. I can respect this and follow the rules. I am even willing to do this when the regular speed limit is 80, and 50 seems far too slow, or if I'm being passed by dumptrucks driving through the ditch. But having some witch jump in front of my car, blowing on her whistle and waving her stupid little 'SLOW' sign is a little much. I mean, I was going slow. I was going the posted speed limit. In fact, not one of the construction workers was traveling slower or even at the same pace of my silver awesomness, and yet she seems to think that it's a smart idea to jump in front of my car. How does she make more then I do?

And on to my personal favorite, the signal light. Yes, it's only four and a half inches on average to render you from being a jerk-face that I wish death upon, to being one of my bestest buddies that I'd throw someone in front of a bullet for. Four and a half inches for you to reach from your steering wheel to flip the signal lever up or down and give me some sort of idea as to what sort of master plan is unraveling in your mind. Please, for the love of all things good and pure, do not just slam on the brakes and decide that it's a good time to turn because thanks to the fantastic loose gravel on the road, it's not only hard for me to stop on a dime, but near impossible for one of the many fatty mobiles that flip at the drop of a wombat. They have something called momentum, this is the thing that makes a train take two miles to come to a complete stop, and in the case of a Ford Exploder, at least a few more meters then the two second warning your brake lights provide me with. I was almost hit by an Avalanche today, and it would be a shame, mostly because it might leave a Chevy imprint on my car.

Finally, what the crap is wrong with Sherwood Park that they feel the need to tear down any bit of nature that they can find, turn it into a dirt pile, sell the dirt, and then let it sit for years when there are already perfectly good areas that they've already wiped out any life that may exist. I saw some ducks swimming in a pond created by a ditchdigger, where months earlier a wetlands stood. And the best part of it is, I bet many Sherwood Parkians donate to Greenpeace or WWF in hopes to somehow make amends for buying that Nissan Armada, and hoping to save the rainforests when they can't even manage to save their own backyards!

Phew. We recently got some scary looking 'tree faces' in at my store. Basically you nail eyes, a nose, and a mouth to a tree and it looks like it has a face. People love them, think that they're a great idea, the only problem is, "We don't have any trees to put them on." Yup, no trees. One guy even bought one to nail onto his deck. I mean, how sad is it that they can't even find a decent sized tree to tack on some goofy crapobilia? Normally I'm not much of a tree huger, (see my comment on ripping the heads of cute baby animals for gasoline in an earlier rant) but this is just stupid.

So go hug a tree... one of those nice smooth ones, not an evergreen, they hurt. And take some of those loose gravel chunks to wing at your nearest construction worker or member of the Sherwood Park planning committee. Is there hope? I doubt it, but I've got to be angry about something.

I hate Tupperware

Well I’m fuming so I may as well write about it…

This blog will go out to parents, we all have them, and sometimes they are dumb. Don’t get me wrong, I can be dumb too, I can openly accept that and will take any criticism to the extent that I can be retarded at times as well. If fact I think that I am most of the time, although I can carefully disguise it as being intentional if I bring enough confidence into my foolish decisions. Tip for later on in life – whatever you do, don’t say ‘oops’ just say ‘there!’. For example, a hairdresser is occupying themselves on your head, meticulously lifting layers of amino acid strands from your scalp and cutting them to a given length. Say, perhaps, the scissors should slip, them saying oops will instantly decrease any tip they hope to get to zero, while exclaiming with utter most confidence ‘there’ will fill you with a sense of their accomplishment and a fulfillment of their hairstyling destiny. In addition to this, always be cautious of hairdressers and surgeons who say ‘there’ a lot.

Alright, so I’m dumb, but confident about it. My father, on the other hand, can be one of the most irritating people I know, at times. He can be a great, spontaneous, and fun guy, encouraging me to drift Maxwell, our Csmart, or will take me out for ice cream on the motorcycle, but there are other times that I just want to hold my fingers up to my eye and pretend to squish his head with him fully aware of my actions. Yes, I know, I give all of you heck for not working out things with your folks, and this will blow over probably in an hour (it’s a lot harder not to talk to someone that you live with), but I’m still big and green, hence, quite angry.

As soon as I come into the house fresh off work, he goes on to tell me that I should take the Tupperware out of my room, and then yells at me for not taking another plate to microwave it on because – TUPPERWARE CAUSES CANCER, and he saw it posted at work. Yup. And you know, it’s probably true. I simply replied, ‘In my genetics class, we learned everything causes cancer’ which is true considering you can’t even breathe without having to worry… alright Dad and I just worked things out, but I’m still going to vent because I think this sounds good so far.

So what I meant was that if we all listened to every news report out there about what gives you cancer, or Alzheimer’s, or (insert disease here), and ultimately death, we couldn’t do anything. As for mentioning that I learned it in genetics, it was simply to add credibility to my case, better then his, ‘I saw it at work’.

He immediately switches his jersey and works on the defense, yelling that ‘You think you’re so smart ‘cause you go to University. We all know how smart you are… don’t worry, just stupid Dad trying to keep you kids safe!’ Thanks, Dad. So as usual I go stomping off because I know that no matter what I say, he won’t agree. He continues to yell, remarking something to the muffled extent that I think I’m too good to talk with him.

This would be an awkward conversation at best if this were the first time he brought up me talking down to him, but it’s a recurring theme. Yipee. Thanks again, Dad. I mean that fact that I’m fairly certain that he is in the six digit salary range, using only a high school education, a number that I aspire to reach, means nothing to him. Or the fact that I think that he’s done a terrific job trying to raise us on his own, despite his ‘lowly’ education, doesn’t strike any kind of chord with him. I think that he, on some level, feels self conscious about it, despite the fact that he is one of the smartest people I know. Not necessarily book smart, but unlike me, he can successfully make Kraft dinner, or make a motorcycle using a lawn mower. He’s built me dollhouses, and had saved many lives working as the fire chief at Shell. I just wish for one moment he’d realize that deep down, I know I won’t know as much as he does, and I don’t want to seem smarter then him, I just wanted him to realize that you can’t trust everything you read.
- But as I said before, he said it’s fine, I said it’s fine, then he offered to heat up some chili for me in a Tupperware container and I’m wondering if he loves me or is trying to kill me…

32 hours of craziness

I had a vacation, well a short one. Like all great vacations it began and ended at IKEA. It was the best three dollars and twenty one cents that at spent the entire time. But despite their ubercheap breakfast and diner, there was a lot of fun to be had in all that time in between.

First off, hmm, that's actually a more one on one thought. Remind me to enlighten you to the finer dichotomies in life sometimes and go on to explain how I'm a fantastic person for it. But you already knew that. On to stuff you didn't know...

Now I'm going to dawn my pirate cap and go into my TALES OF ADVENTURE...

People don't like to hear about others, it's just a simple fact. Point: talk to someone, don't lead them into a topic that you can go on about yourself in, it's boring, I bet you can't go on only showing interest in them and only in them, with no intention of spreading news about your own life. This is why I type. Chances are if I sat down with any of you, you would turn the topic to how you once upon a time went camping with your parents and saw a (insert wild animal name here) then (insert family member name here) lit their (insert body part here) on fire and everyone laughed, they were hospitalized for (insert number here) days. And then you'll go on to another story when I try to show you pictures, so the pictures are below. Not necessarily in order, and you don't really have to look or even read this, but at least I can imagine that you did.

To have an adventure you need the following items:
1. Mode of transportation, whether it be a car, train, bus, or the back of another individual
2. Snacks, preferably granola bar because they are good for you, you can get the bad stuff later on
3. A canary (only if you are driving. If you wish to speed, tail someone with a radar detector. If they brake, it is helpful to do the same. On a side note, if you or someone you know owns a 92-94 Red Honda Civic DX Hatchback, license VHW-878, thank you)

You do not need the following items:
1. Cell phone, pager, or anything that ties you to the real world/work/significant other/school
2. Part of brain devoted to self-presercation (only recommended for those who want a real adventure)
3. Anyone else (although many people do feel the need for company, it is not necessary)



I went to Banff my first day. It was really busy and I only wanted to hike around, but still had to go into town to pick up a park pass (not all of the Western world has access to a debit machine, and for those of us who don't believe in this 'paper money'...). I spotted a G35X, and not just any Infinity G35X but MY G35X. It was quite exciting and sad all at the same time. What I mean by this is, MY budget G35X that I've had my fun with went out on Friday, and it was sitting there, parked in downtown Banff. (- But Carly, Budget is a national company with many cars... it's more likely to be from Calgary! Yes, but MY G35X had the plate F-40007, and yes, I do cry myself to sleep sometimes.)

After several unsuccessful attempts to go hiking and not having to deal with walking in a group of 50+ I left the park and heading to Canmore. Lo and behold, there was another park that was entirely empty for me to walk in. Just replace 'park' with old CN Rail Station that I was able to break in to and you'll be just about right. After heading in about a mile there were lakes, streams, a Carly-sized walking stick, wild orchids, and bear poop (see pictures).

After my picnic on a tree overhanging one of the lakes, I really had to pee, so I headed to Canmore. I know I'm in the woods but I don't care, I need toilet paper. I got lost on my way out and found the greatest road ever - BOW VALLEY TRAIL. It was so awesome, I may just drive down on weekends to go through it repeatedly. It had more hairpins and hills then a rollercoaster, and although the posted speed limit, er, suggested speed limit was 65, you could still go about 130 without worry. Well, unless you aren't awesome at driving, like the truck in front of me. I had shivers at the end. It was great. Coincidently I reached 100,000km on that road, seemed like a pretty good celebratory drive.

I found the only hotel in Calgary with any 'non-smoking- rooms left, then passed out in front of the TV with a major headache. I woke up at about 1 ish, took a bath, and had pancakes at Denny's, finally mosied back over to the hotel and slept until 8. I went for breakfast, er, I guess again, then I went to the zoo. It is the greatest place in the world if you like to chase ducks, which I do, and thus, I did.

Later I cruised around downtown Calgary, usually getting lost - stupid streets, for those of you who are not familiar with their system, think of those co-ordinate chart thingies that you used in high school math class, they didn't make sense then, and nothings changed. 1st street and 1st avenue is in the middle, from there everything is repeated, being SW/NW or SW/EW. Yup, confusing. But I found Eau Claire Market and ate sushi.

Leaving I decided to go to Drumheller, but it was raining really hard when I got there, so I headed home. Probably was a good career choice as I made it back to Edmonton at 6:30 and went straight to work at Budget. Yes, the excitement never stops for me.

Tip of the day:

You'd think that I'd tell you that life is short, go out, do something exciting and live it to its fullest. Embrace every moment that you're on the right side of the grass, do something crazy and don't be embarrassed or to shy to do it. Go to the movies alone, drive three hours for a really good ice cream cone, chase a duck...

Nope. Instead, don't trust a company that has words in its telephone number to help you remember it. What am I talking about? Like 1-800-Rickdees or I-am-hurt. I mean, they obviously deal with stupid customers if they can't even remember seven digits.

Goodnight!

Road-trip-o-rama 

And on a more cheerful note...

Figured you guys need to know that I'm fine, as usual. I mean, the fact that my whole 'you've been dumped' party consisted of my taking out people to a movie after setting up the event, and then going for pancakes, although everyone had work the next morning and left early... I'm sure you care... right?

So I went into work today with a sneaking suspicion that Karen was doing her usual books on Thursday morning, and forgot to open the store so I could take over working there from 2-9. Guess what... she forgot to open the store. That was fun, thankfully I was able to get a co-worker in so I didn't have to work an eleven and a half hour shift without a break. I still haven't gotten a hold of her... sigh.

But I had a busy week. I went test-driving with Dave on Monday. Yipee, although I've made the grim discovery that I've become a car elitest. First we took out the Nissan Armada. As the name suggests, it's big. Really big. So big in fact that it has two DVD players for the middle and back rows of seats. The salesman, however, kindly suggested that I consider the Pathfinder because it's cuter. Next up was the Mitsu Eclipse Spyder GTX. When I first drove this car I almost peed myself. The V6 sounded amazing, it had awesome power, the stereo was incredible... and now- sigh. I mean I work with at least double the amount of horsepower. Double! That means I get to any speed I want twice as fast. Don't get me wrong, I love my Civic, even with a third of the power, but after driving CTSs, G35Xs, and 300Cs, I just can't compare. Wow, I'll never be able to buy a car again.

Oh, and I'm going to Star Wars tonight. The best part is, it's with a group that dresses up which means it will be at least three levels of awesome, especially with my super-spy camera (What do you mean camera? That's my schedule... bwa ha ha ah). Yup. It'll be great.

As for the rest of you, what can I say. I mean I keep you around to keep me entertained and quite frankly you're doing a crappy job of it. I mean I have to call around to get some lovin'. Call around! You should all be lined up on my extremely long and steep driveway begging me to hang out with you and bestow some of my uber-coolness upon your likes. But no. "Hi, Mrs Kate, can Kate come out and play? What's that? Too busy with her boyfriend and working? Sniff sniff... alright, tell her I said hi. Mrs. Dave can your son and I go on a play date? Nope? Too busy with his jaw wired shut? Okay, I'll egg his room later." I mean what kind of crappy excuses do you have that prevents you from catering to my every whim? Work? School? Significant others? In surgery? These petty excuses make me laugh. Bwa ha ha ha. BWA HA HA HA... sob, I'm so lonely.

And on that note, just to FYI you all, I'm dissapearing on Sunday, I think. I don't know where. I may or may not bring along my stuffed Stitch doll, and I may or may not tell my Dad. Meh. So if you suckers are all like... oh, of course I called you (wink wink) I've been calling all weekend and you just weren't home, or answering any of you calls, or emails, which I left plenty of (wink wink), then I'm going to slap you silly you hoser when I get back knowing that you are so full of crap that your eyes are brown... or green given what you last ate. Hmm, do I know people with blue eyes?

Anyway, that about wraps it up. Yup. Fun-o-rama. See all of you suckers later...

(Inside thought: maybe if I was nicer to those bum friends of mine and didn't call them suckers... maybe they would call, or be nice? Maybe deep down I keep a heartless and cold exterior because I don't know how to be loved? Maybe if I play up this whole sympathy-I'm-really-deep card they'll buy me presents? Yup, sounds good)

Oh, woe is me.

2:11 AM

Why 2:11 AM? That's what time it is right now. Three hours until I have to be up for work, and I'm no closer to falling asleep then I was six hours ago. I'm miserable. Really miserable. I like to think that I'm a fairly cheerful person, I can even hide it well when I want to, but right now, in the middle of the night, seeing as how I'm not about to fall asleep anytime soon, I may as well vent. For those of you who are going to respond... 'oh, poor Carly! Hugz**', don't worry about it. Once I've regained some of my senses and composure, I'll be fine, you've just caught me in that rare moment of weakness.

It started last Friday. I had no time last weekend to, er, 'visit' my Mom on Mother's Day, so I stopped by on Friday night to drop off flowers. For the past four years, nothing. I go, drop them off, and leave, this time was different. I don't know why. I ended up staying for over an hour, mostly just sitting in the car, maybe it was because I didn't have to be all brave for anyone, but for the first time in a long time I kinda broke down.

The next day I got dumped. I felt it coming, but after one year of falling in love with someone, he left me over the phone. It wasn't the closure I wanted, and I know that deep down it had to happen like that, or it was easiest for one of us that it did, but you start to wonder how awful you must be if the guy that loves you so much, can't even say goodbye in person.

After that I caught whatever my Dad has and became quite ill, unfortunately since there are only three of us really working at my one job, I still work everyday and have no time off. Yipee. Oh, and since my no 'Ex' works in the mall, I still get to see him on occasion, which is always awesome when you're trying not to be miserable while serving customers.

On Tuesday I said goodbye to Celeste, one of my bestest buddies who is always there to help me through rough patches, for the next six weeks as she'll be working in a hospital in Africa. I'm glad she's going, worried as anything, but I know this is something she needs to do. Of all the people I can talk to, I think she's one of the very few I've cried to.

On Thursday I lost my voice. It's great, people are jerks so as soon as you start trying to whisper to them because that's all you can do, they whisper back to mock you, or interrupt you, or become very annoyed and keep demanding to know why you don't speak up. I can't use the drive-through, be heard anywhere busy, sing along to songs, or even use the phone. Oh, Dave if you're reading this, I was trying to set up karaoking on Sunday night, I think most people can come, everyone is invited, but I can't call anyone now to ask because they can't hear me. Woohoo. You can imagine how my Budget buddies had a field day with this.

Yesterday, Friday, while feeling yucky at work, I found out that one of my co-workers does nothing. He actually took a truck and dissappeared to pick up parts for his Mustang. This was especially great because we were busy and I'm unable to talk to customers. At about two in the afternoon I noticed some black smoke in the sky and would even point this out to another co-worker, wondering what was on fire. My Dad informed me, last night at about 11:00, that it had been my Church, which isn't there so much now.

Today, in about fourteen hours, I have to go to my cousin's wedding, on the evil side of my family. Quick history lesson: after my two cousins had to be hospitalized for anorexia, my Grandma kindly pointed out that I was getting chubby, and should try to lose weight. Or of course there's the ever popular: they'll move me anywhere I want and pay for school if I pretty much stop talking to my Dad and brother. Oh, and after that I'm supposed to go to a birthday... the surprise is that someone really hates me there. Oh waht fun it will be. I love being used.

Oh, and as for my brother... he totalled his truck. For those of you keeping track, this would be his second vehicle, and he's moved on to his third motorcycle.

I guess that about does it. I don't think anything is going wrong... oh, one more thing, I have my first work evaluation today. I get to sit in a meeting with my boss and he'll ask me all sorts of fun questions. His only real comment about me yeasterday was, 'Boy, Carly sure is quiet today.' Should be fun.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think that I'm going to go throw up, but thanks to this whole situation it won't be much because I have absolutely no appetite... hey, maybe this time my Grandma won't complain so much about me gaining weight.

An ode... to Stiney

Alright, you may be wondering what a Stiney is. Stiney... um, actually I came up with this great adapted screenplay based on a story idea I had on a particularily slow day at work, I may post it on my website-of-the-week since it ended up really long. I shall tell you the shorter version of my story here.

It all began a dark and stormy night, um, well it was night, I know that much. Alright, nightime, and the streets were empty, actually that isn't quite right either. They were kinda busy, especially behind me as I was rearended by a big and scary truck (see far below picture). Maybe it wasn't so big and scary either, I mean it was green. I guess it was a GM. You can at least give me that. Now if I was hit by an all new Ridgeline...

Getting off topic. So this past Wednesday I went to get my car fixed. After a fond farewell, the reassurance that I would check on it through the night, and my contemplation with the post-partem depression I may experience, I walked over to Budget, eager to get the car I knew Len had set aside for me.

I asked Len, my boss, three weeks ago if I could rent a car, something nice, and for cheap (as to not entirely screw over my GM driving fiend). I asked him two weeks before, my two shifts before, but as I approached an empty lot, my heart sank, grasped only from the void by the fleeting hope that he had hidden it in the back. He didn't. In fact he was quite surprised to see me. Nice...

So after some tracking down, I became the 'proud' new renter of the Aveo. Oh, wait, I mean the (in big scary voice) the ALL NEW 2005 CHEVROLET AVEO-5. The only thing it was missing was a big Nike swoosh on the side to make it look like a brand new pair of running shoes.

So I'm driving crap. Attempting to make the best of the situation, I decided to take some photos and in fairly decent settings as to direct the eye away from the crappiness of the car.

Photo 1: A nice clean car (before you ask, the answer is yes, I did in fact clean the car upon leaving Budget) a bright blue sky, and a spacious field littered with dandilions... wait, it's kinda early for dandilions... it wasn't until I was quite on the field, out of the car, and taking pictures that I realized that those dandilions were golfballs, apparently I was at the 250ft marker of a driving range... opps... I got full coverage.

Photo 2: He he, wouldn't it be funny to make it look like I was going to be hit by a train? I scouted out a spot (in the middle of a shipping yard) where some rail cars were parked (no engine attached, as can be seen behind my car), I jumped out, snapped a shot, and then heard an ear shattering 'honk'. It was the kind of honk that made you regret what you had done, and maybe even regret being born. I guess my 'parked cars' were being backed into by an engine on an intersecting track that didn't appreciate me coming between them (kinda like a Mom bear and her cubs). Again, I had full coverage, although I can't imagine what Kurt would say when I dropped off the key, and maybe a rear view mirror.

At this point I decided that this car was doomed to live and I needed to head into work. My Dad, of course, loved the car, simply because I made fun of it all the time. My favorite part was when he said not to be so judgemental... maybe this was the best that someone could afford and not everyone can afford a Civic... (FYI, my car was $2000.00 less then Stiney).

As for 'Stiney', I got it from a Homestarrunner cartoon and once I find it, I'll post the link. Until then you can visit:
http://www.homestarrunner.com/homester.html
Click on 'Sounds, quotes, and cash withdrawls' then on 'StrongBad quotes pack'. It took me only two minutes to download, which means it will be finished once you hit 'OKAY'.

The moral of my story? 'Mama, don't let your babies grow up to drive Aveos... ' because they'll be putting on makeup while driving or talking on the phone and go through an intersection and die instantly when being struck by anything larger then a rabbit, (not the Volkswagen, the furry forest friend).

Yup, that's it, the doctor has left the building...

Here's Stiney in a beautiful field... 

Here's Stiney, stuck on railroad tracks