This one's for you, Pops

With father's day upon us in 1 hour and 3 minutes, I've decided to write this blog about my Dad, may he never actually read it...

As I look back at the years I've spent alive- um, let me start again... that kinda sounds dumb...

As I reflect on my past experiences- no, still not quite right, um oooh childhood, that's a good one... alright, I got it this time

Looking back at my childhood- or maybe upbringing... hey here's an idea! This could be a super fun project for you and your Dad. Since I just can't seem to make any kind of coherent statements tonight (give me a break, I've been up since five this morning and I went to bed at one last night... Yup, I'm dumb) I'm going to make this an 'adlibs' style blog, you can copy and paste it into word, pick the terms that you feel best suit your father, and then print it, oh, of course then you can glue on the sequins, pompoms, pipecleaners, and macaroni covered in gold spray paint and present it to your Dad this Father's Day! Wow, that's awesome, Carly, but what can we expect to pay for this radical idea of yours? Well this can all be yours for the low low price of one more hit on my webcounter... mostly because I don't have paypal set up yet, and seeing the numbers get bigger makes me happy. Refresh lots.

(Dearest Father/Hi Dad/Yo Pops!)

Even though another year has come and gone, I know that you will always be (my father/in jail/heartless). You were always (there for me/supportive of everything I did/sleeping with the neighbor’s wife) and I will never forget it. Days like today give me a good chance to sit and recall all of the (amazing/terrific/horrific) times that we shared, and how they helped me become who I am today.

A smile comes to my lips as I think about the first time you (took me to the ballgame/walked me to school/beat me in a burlap sack). We've certainly made our share of memories together, and it's memories like these that I'll (always treasure/turn into a bestseller/pay a psychiatrist to help me deal with). I now realize and have come to appreciate the time we spent together as (childhood is short/you’ve been taken away/Mom won’t let me talk to you).

Remember when you (took me fishing/set your arm on fire when trying to light the bar-b-que/backed up over Mittens)? That’s something that I still think about today. At the time I (hated you/laughed at you/filed for adoption) but I now realize that (it was a bonding moment/we got to spend time together as you recovered/I was right). How can I ever (thank you/make you suffer as I have/get back the money I lost in Vegas)? It’s something I cannot even imagine accomplishing in my lifetime. You mean so (much/little) that it’s hard to express in (words/random sounds).

Mom told me that when she was rushed to the hospital when I was about to be born you (were the first one there/passed out/fled the country) and it was that moment that you (truly became a father/demonstrated what would become a life of wimpiness/wrote yourself out of my will). (Thank/curse) you, Dad.

I hope that today we can (recount memories of the past/settle our differences outside of court/finally bury the body in my trunk), as I know together there is (nothing we can’t do/nothing we can do/nowhere we can go that we haven’t been suspended from).

With (love, the advice of my lawyer), your (son/daughter/baby ‘it’ as you raised me in some kind of bizarre genderless experiment of the ‘80’s)

(insert your name here)

PS: (I love you/I know where you live).
Hey, that WAS fun. Now remember kids… run with scissors and eat the glue, it’s high in vitamin ER.