WHY CAN'T YOU SHUT UP?!?!

Ah, work, the source and provision of so many of my rants. Tonight it isn't work itself that lends it self to my lack of satisfaction with the world around me, but instead simply provided the environment in which dumbness could be found.

What am I talking about? As per usual I figure my ramblings are might cryptic, better call the Sherriff. Alright, this blog is to point out the retardedness of the Queen of Seven 'o' clock, and numero dos on my list of celebrities that I would rid the world of if given the chance, the one, the only... Delilah.

At work, the candle place, not BRAC, I am forced to listen to the local soft rock station, I love how they call it 'rock', I mean no self respecting biker or um, well anyone who appreciates the music known as 'rock' would ever claim to listen to anything that flows from a stereo tuned to 104.9 Mega Hertz.

So what's the big deal with Delilah? Who is this 'Delilah'? And more importantly... why do I wish her to end up on the front page of many newspapers and in the trunk of a rather large 'fatty-mobile'? Well, at precisely 7:00 on weekdays (you can always tell when the dreaded time is upon us as EZRock plays the crappy lyricless elavator music so as a smooth transistion to her show may be made) her show comes onto the radio. Yes, she begins with words that hold such wisdom... "maybe you've had a long day, well now you can curl up next to the radio and spend some time with me - Delilah - (insert crappy voice over promo) on EZRock 104.9..." Ah yes, it is these words that send me into a dizzying array of anger, knowing that only the purest of drivel shall ooze from the speakers of the store stereo.

Following her inital song of pity and lost love that usually places me in a state of self-pity and constantly forces me to contemplate suicide, she'll have her first 'caller'. Why is this in quotes? Well that's because it's screened to the point that only the sappiest love stories with happy endings are put onto the radio and pre-recorded to a degree that makes me wonder if they are all professional actors paid to tell a re-written sob story that was once emailed to her highness. Gah. The best one so far... oh, I'll try to write this like a screen play... go!

Dude: Delilah?
PsychoCow: Yes, Hun, who's on your heart tonight?
Dude: Well, it's my wife... (dramatic pause) You see we're having some problems and I just want her to know that I'm sorry and that I love her.
Queen Pry-pry: Hmm, so what did you do that landed you in the doghouse? (giggle to ease the mood)
Dude: I don't know if I'm comfortable talking about it on air... um, well-
DemonSpawn: Well on a scale of one to ten, let's say one being you forgot to pick up milk on the way home and ten being you cheated on her with her best friend and sister?...
Dude: Well, I guess that this would be about an eleven...

-Carly's thoughts: Seriously what the crap did you do? I mean did you include the dog in on this one? How do you think that requesting a song on the radio will make a difference. Seriously, if she loves you after however you combined all of the deadly sins and stabbed her in the back a few times (quite literally), what kind of fencepost did you marry?-

Ms. Lovie-dovie: Well, I'll see what I can do. But you need to promise me something-
Dude: What's that, Delilah?
Happy-go-pukie: Go to your wife, right now, and tell her how much you love her, and I'm sure - I'm sure, that you two can work this out.
Dude: Thanks, Delilah.
Baby Killer: You're welcome, Hun, have a good night.

Yup, that's almost it, word for word - not joking. Although he had a thick southern accent.

Next, every second call is either an adopted child who cannot seem to get it through their head that the parent that gave them up is not coming back to claim them no matter how long they relentlessly pursue a relationship that does not exist, or some wife with seven kids and a husband in the army/navy/airforcy... and she misses him but realizes that he's out saving the country by squashing those evil enemy types, when actually it's just to escape his possessive wife and seven hyperactive kids... gah.

How can people be so dumb? And worse yet are the people who listen to this of their own free will!

Oh, and then she talks with her sexy-voiced producer who complains that her five year old is sick at home, and then Delilah has to one up her with her usual "I have fifty kids, all of whom are adopted because I'm holier then thou, but still have a messy divorce to contend with and all men are pigs..." Thanks, Delilah, I realize your life must be pretty hard, just attending charity functions, radio promotions, meeting other famous rich people, and having two dozen servants to cater to your every need and raise your kids for you. Allow me to work for the next five months to save up and buy a violin, learn to play it, break into your house, and clobber you with it... and you thought I was going to say play the saddest song... bwa ha ha ha.

Still unconvinced of her purely evil nature in exploiting the pain of others to promote her own show... then visit www.radiodelilah.com for more fun! AUGH why won't your head just fall off?!?! I mean that's like me, kicking puppies and then starting a foundation against the kicking of puppies where people pay me and keep me busy, thereby preventing the kicking of puppies... actually that's a pretty sweet deal... hmm.

Well, that's all for me, on to kicking puppies. If you are against this cruel cruel act still practiced in many countries around the world, send me money... now... and it will stop. Goodnight all!