The following should not be read by pregnant women, mostly because they’ll kill me

So I’m going to risk offending a lot of people by comparing two things that don’t seem to have a lot, if anything in common. But wait, there’s more, I intend to prove your thinking to be incorrect and rub the fact that I’m smarter than you in your face. Bwa ha ha ha. More importantly I do in fact realize that I’ll have to hide from women who are showing, and those that are grossly and disproportionately overweight just in case.

Today’s lesson: buying a car is like having a kid.

My regards go out to Jay today, who got, well, the poo covered end of a pointy stick shoved up in front of his face. It isn’t fun, but it will be. Now I’ll go through the phases and explain, hopefully to your’s and more importantly, Jay’s amusement.

1. Planning:

Not all people plan to have a kid, or buy a car. It’s something that just happens. In a moment of weakness, or due to an accident (he he, did anyone else catch my double entendre?) people decide to do these things. People need to do both, and generally spend much time contemplating to do either, but there comes a time in your life when you need one, kid and/or car. In the case of a kid, you are likely to watch those ‘cycles’ and spend a lot of time, er, well, you all know, and if you don’t I’m not going to be the one to explain it to you, there are sock puppets for that kind of thing. In the case of cars, research is usually done, you scope out prospects, and make sure you can financially do it (also like having a kid). After much soul searching, the decision is made and we pass onto phase two…

2. The wait:

In the case of kids, it’s usually around nine months, and depending on the car you want, it can take just as long. If you think that your wait is bad, consider something like a Dodge Viper where people wait upwards of one year, or better yet, the Bentley. With only about twenty made a year and so many rap stars trying to prove themselves, you can imagine how long it takes. Yes, it’s painful… but just wait until step…

3. Delivery:

Mmm. Any woman you ask is likely to tell you that they love their kid and whatever they went through is worth their child. I hope to not experience any pain if I ever do decide to curse the world with my offspring. I’ll wait until some process is invented to grow the child in a beaker, or if not beaker option is available, I’ll settle for mucho drugs. Whatever you have, I’ll take, even the ones that are just candy with the words TYLENOL written in pen on them. In either case, it is painful and long. Women can spend hours in labour, and I can guarantee it will take at least that long to get all of the details and wheelin/dealing settled. Yes, it hurts, but it’s looking much better from here on, trust me…

4. The firsts:

You’ll see it for the first time and know that it’s yours. You get to take it home, and hopefully you’re ready enough that you got it a room to sleep in, and a few other supplies to get you started. You’ll smile when you look at it, you’ll show it off, but most importantly, you’ll be proud of it because it’s yours. There’ll be it’s first bath, the first time out, the first time you adjust the mirrors and the seat and program the presets on your stereo, er, or it’s first steps/words as applicable. And guess what? All that pain will be forgotten. For those of you with cars and/or kids, I bet that if you think back, you can remember what a terrible experience it was. It was long and painful, but after taking that first spin with your girlfriend/boyfriend at your side, or having the kid grab your finger with all of its, the pain pales in comparison. It’s the magic that makes people have kids and buy cars because if we did remember how much this sucked, we wouldn’t do either and the human race would die out, alone and in their homes.

I know that it’s not fun to go through the process, and yes, it is easier and faster to buy a gun instead of getting a car, but one sniff of that new car smell, or the first time you see rain bead up on the side of your car in the rear view mirror, the total freedom and independence, or being able to cart around friends in the ‘partymobile’ will make it all worth it. I promise.