Carly, Super-Genius

So I haven’t been keeping this blog dealie up-to-date over the summer. It’s hard being funny on a continual basis, and let’s face it – you are all mooches who just can’t get enough of the stuff. On the upside I do actually update, unlike some of you out there in tv-land, and am trying. Yes. That sounds plausible. Plus it takes me at least half an hour to get my computer going, and then a lot more to actually load up stuff, and I like to think that I have too much of a social calendar to be bothered. Needless to say that at nine thirty in the morning, things are still kind of slow. As such here is another thrilling episode, a brief glance into the jet-set life that is Carly… Lil’ Miss Know-it-all, a staged series of outcries for help.


Dear LMKIA,

Is that your real name? I mean who would actually make their kid Lmkia? I mean maybe if you threw a vowel in there somewhere, like between the L and m or even the m and k it may qualify but-

-EDITED FOR LENGTH-

-Sincerely, Francine Utlins, (Coronation, Kentucky)

Dear Francine,

What I’m hearing here is that you are an idiot. My name isn’t LMKIA, or even Lil’ Miss Know-it-all, in fact, it’s what some people call ‘an abbreviation’. For example, we could use it on your name and… oh. Hey, say I got a letter from Judy Edith, from Ridgedale Kansas. I could also call her ‘JERK’. It would be fun and demeaning. In conclusion, if I hurt your feelings, it was intentional.

Luv, LMKIA



Dear LMKIA,

AAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

-From George

Well George,

Your wife isn’t sleeping around. Actually she’s taking dance classes late at night because she knows you’d sooner go bowling with your buddies and doesn’t want to bother you. That gentleman you saw her with is her dance partner who is also teaching her football basics, so that she can go to games with you and understand what’s going on without having to interrupt your beer drinking every few minutes. Your daughter isn’t pregnant, that stuff you found was from a sex-ed course that she was pretty embarrassed about having to take. In two weeks she’ll ask you about your job and what you do, not because she doubts that you do nothing, but instead because it is part of the class as well. Enjoy the time you spend together and if it’s done right, you may even be able to get her to follow in your footsteps. Your son is just going through a rebellious phase, but in all honesty, some people just don’t like jam on their toast and would sooner just stick with butter. Your dog, did in fact, get hit by a car, but it was quick and painless rather then only getting his leg nicked and dying due to a painful and drawn-out infection months later. The car was filled with cats on the way to a kitty spa and as soon as your dog was hit, the driver swerved and tipped the car, it caught fire and blew up, killing all of the cats inside, it’s the way that Fido would have wanted it. Finally, you aren’t going to be fired. The talk that’s going around the office is that it’s your twentieth anniversary with the company and they are trying to throw you a surprise party.

Finally, claim that you were just out for a walk and step back from the ledge.

Luv, LMKIA


LMKIA,

My boyfriend thinks I’m fat. Should I go on a diet?

From Bertha


Well Bertha,

I hate to judge by the name alone, but eating healthy is always a good idea. Most advice columnists would tell you to be happy with who you are, to love yourself first, and worry about guys after, but I’m not most advice columnists. Quick and simple, if you are in fact not fitting into things you used to be able to slip easily into, like jeans, or your car, it might be a good idea to cut back at fatty burger. Try a carrot, or rabbit, which is like at least a thousand compressed carrots into a tiny little package. Mmm, rabbit. Yes, so eat more furry creatures.

Luv, LMKIA

Hey, I’m bored. So until next time, this is Carly, knower of all, saying… give me money.