It's like the batmobile, but seats seven...

Hey, kids, ready for some good old timey fun? Maybe you want some action and adventure and came to this blog to find it? Well you won't, but you will help boost my people counter to ONE THOUSAND! That's right, I've exploited one thousand people by having them spend ime viewing the absolute crap that I type, wasted their time and in turn delivered no compensation. Ah, life is grand. Today, though, I do have an idea for some good activities that you can do at home, so long as you are parentally supervised, and don't run with scissors. Instead simply throw them far into the air in the general direction that you want to go and then run real fast and catch them before they land.

'Twas a while back when I decided to make a list of things that I wanted to do on campus before I left. Yes, I realize that many of you have graduated, but for some bizarre reason still show up, especially for coffee, so this planning is still feasible for you. I guess you could also somehow modify it to include things to do before getting fired or being thrown out of the house, but in my case it's a little something I like to call school year resolutions, not to be confused with New Year's resolutions that exist only to be broken and reflected upon with shame.

The first step is to keep these things simple and universally timeless. For example, make it something that you won't regret in a week, like getting your hair styles a la flock of seagulls or painting large Amazonian women on the side of your parent's minivan. This may seem like a good idea, but trust me, it just goes downhill from there. Writting a literary masterpiece, as a converse example, does not fall into this category, and with the current trend, so long as you talk about some magic wand crap, people will eat it up and you can spend your days being delightfully introverted while making all of your clothes out of bills that are in such a high denomination, they will be invented for you exclusively.

As for being simple, it's a good idea to keep your ideas to under five or six words. Coming up with a plan to dominate all of the western world through a plot involving telekinetic gum and bowler hats may be a good idea, documentation should be kept to a minimum and in a separate folder from the rest of your list. Through this you can continue on with you planning without having to be worried about discovery and the inevitable revelation of your plot by some idiot do-gooder wearing their underwear outside of their pants. Yup, in short, you'll be showed up by a jerkface and people will laugh at you behind your back.

Try to keep the number of items on this list low and thus feasible. I'm not telling you to draw a blueprint for the fine line you wish your life to follow because of the danger of one of two things occurring. Either you'll (A) fail miserably and as you will not meet your lifelong goal to climb all of the mountains of the world, occupy all the slots in the New York times top ten bestsellers list for at least six months of the year, complete five simultaneous doctorates while creating a neverbefore studied sixth faculty that you will also obtain a doctorate from, and finally start your own wombat farm, and most likely due to the repetitive stress and feeling of loss and failure, you'll live alone, in a cave, and collect toenails (not your own); or (B) you'll finish everything, but by the time you do, you'll have missed all of the spontaneously wonderful stuff that normally would happen to you along the way. Both would be bad, and you only have so long. SIMPLIFY... be a hippie.

Still have no idea what I'm talking about? Can't read? Here are some ideas, my personal examples, with shift-8 stars so that you can at least be amused by the somewhat developing pictogram of this blog:

* Run a candidate
* Obtain a tuition-worth of free stuff
* Destroy all bathroom ads
* Attend three biochem classes consecutively
* Write a Gateway comic
* Ridicule and destroy the Gateway
* Become the university president
* Find that truck I lost

Hey, hey, hey, I completed two of those already. But it's a simple-can-be-done in a term kind of list, yep, most importantly it gives me something to procrastinate about and that alone makes me feel busy and thus successful. If I just sat around all day and watched TV or played Katamari Demacy I would feel pretty useless. However, if I sat around and watched TV or played Katamari Demacy while in the midst of attempting to become the president of the U of A - voila, instantly I become useful and seemingly productive. It's also a good idea to fill your list with things requiring minimal effort, like aging, then no matter what else you succeed or fail with, you are still a guaranteed winner, or at least wiener.