Did I just say Pooper... yes, yes I did.

Looking back at my previous rants I have come to the realization that my writing is less creative, fluid, and even interesting. I hate the sciences. It appears that my work is going downhill, so I’m going to try to combat this. First, I have a thesis statement. These are the things that bump you essay writing skills to the next level. It’s the BAM of the literary world. I mean, just think about it, when you were in younger grades, there were no paragraphs, instead it was only a multitude of sentences that all began and ended the same way, ie) I like dogs, I like to pet dogs, I like to walk dogs, I like to kick dogs into the broad side of Aztecs filled with dogs, and I like to feed dogs ice cream. As exciting as the previous statement may have been I regret to inform you that your heightened state of arousal in my rantings is only temporary as this blog will have nothing to do about dogs, or Aztecs, instead my focus, and tie-it-all-together thesis statement is… society is going down the pooper.

This is, in fact, a rather large topic, so instead of focusing on society in general, let’s hit up the specifics right away, and with God as my witness, I’m going to try to continue this blog without delving into how Sherwood Park is everything that is wrong with society, and how no one can drive, especially Daddy H in a Beamer. Grrr.

Now today, boys and girls, we are going to talk about reading. It’s that thing that you are doing right now. It uses only one of your senses and leaves the rest to the control of your imagination, filling in the gaps created. While you’re reading this I might start talking about something I ate, um, I guess I should pick something good so that you can all benefit from my literary illusion, let’s see, maybe cookies, cookies are good, well, unless you’re a celiac, then replace ‘cookies’ with ‘rice cakes’, yummy. So after pouring the dough into little balls on a pan you slide it into the over and set the timer. Well before the little guys are ready to come out you can already smell the chocolate melting and the batter undergoing chemical transitions as the batter solidifies into chocolately goodness. Bet you can smell the little guys, maybe even taste them. There’s also the fact that as you read this, maybe you hear a voice inside you head that is reading it. Since we can’t immediately translate words into meaning, we need to hear them, so if I type REALLY BIG, that would be yelling, subsequently, if I could figure out how to type really small, you may interpret it as whispering, either way you can see how all of your senses are affected by the simple act of reading. My point, reading is good, while there is all that crap about helping you learn and grow, there are benefits, you may develop an imagination, some opinions, but at least it will waste some time.

So why is society going down the pooper and what does this have to do with cookies? I blame Chapters. Yes, your friendly neighborhood bookstore where you are free to sit down and read, have a coffee and a snack, or just curl up near a fireplace is now more evil then before since the unveiling of its latest slogan. Yes, now Chapters, ‘Imagine which books would make great movies’, specializes in selling out. Yipee. Just step into any Chapters and glance around, the first thing you walk into is either a Starbucks (is it just me or does the name seem stupid? Good coffee, bad name), or the magazine rack. If you’re lucky you may make it all the way to comic books, calendars, and best yet, talking books. Also front and center, ‘Movie books’, or books that have recently been made into movies. Not only that, but look around some more, they have shelves of non-book items, like body and bath products, cds, dvds, cards, games, toys, and cooking utensils. Yup, good luck trying to find War and Peace, they may be able to direct you to the movie form, though. Do they not realize that they now have a monopoly over every written thing and don’t need to cater to the illiterate? I really don’t know who they are trying to impress or entertain with wrapping paper, yoga mats, and toy dolls. Why, maybe, can’t they carry some kind of magical item with these things called ‘Chapters’ in it, never mind, such a creature doesn’t really exist. It may have at one time, but has long since been bastardized by abbreviated and illustrated versions that you can finish over a bus ride home.

I for one was impressed by the store, at one time. I even knew people who did, and do, work there. A monopolistic bookstore seemed like a good idea. In a world where every specialty item has an entire country of third world children fabricating it, you may as well do this with something that benefits society, rather then a store specializing in health foods and alternative remedies for man’s best friend. It was a place where ideas grew, imaginations could expand, and the world seemed to slow down for a while, now, well, if you didn’t get the point of this blog or didn’t bother to finish reading it, the movie version should be out this Spring.