Caution: don't read while driving, or while sad, and maybe not while hungry

Alrighty, (not in a Jim Carey voice, also lacking the ‘then’), I suppose I should update this blog thing. I mean, my visitor count still goes up considering I haven’t bestowed you all with my infinite wisdom as of late, so I probably should try to leave you all not as disappointed as if I had written something. Hey, my typing skills have gone down the pooper. Really. But in my defense, I have no life, nor time to write in this, but I will for you, the adoring fans.

I’m going to warn you that I’m in a grumpy mood, can’t really say why, suppose the whole stress and weight of life is getting to me, so my rant today won’t be the most pleasant of things. If you are already in a grumpy mood or simply live life believing that bad stuff does not in fact exist but unicorns, on the other hand, do, then skip ahead until you see lots of little asterixes and continue reading from there on in.

Change. It is inevitable. For the most part, having some control over change gives us all a sense of purpose, and generally that warm fuzzy feeling that lets you sleep easy all night and provides a healthy appetite. It is when this control is lost that you too become lost. Seeing everyone change around you also takes some getting used to. I mean we all try to make our lives comfortable and happy, for lack of a better word. In our homes, we paint the walls the colour we like, coordinate the furniture, and make sure that the ambient temperature is one that we are comfortable with. Then your home burns down. It is something out of our control and results in change. There are those crazy optimists who would tell you that you can make the best of the situation, insurance will cover it, and that everything can be replaced, but deep down you know it can’t be because that sense of comfort is gone, and there is no telling how long it will take to get back.

This is the same with less extravagant changes; friends moving on with life, moving, trying to figure out what you want to do, even deaths. And, of course, there are negative ways of dealing with this change, unhealthy methods that we all cling to in hopes of living a blissful life of ignorance. It’s not until you are all alone and left to your own thoughts that you realize, that no matter how hard you try, or what you do, things are never going to be the same.

We take comfort in our memories and delusions. It’s the dreams that we had as a child that we cling to because they are from a time in which everything made sense, and things were simple. It’s these dreams that we believe in somehow fulfilling them we will be brought back to that same peaceful state we were in some number of years ago when everything made sense. Your toughest decisions where based around avoiding naptime. Life, it seems, becomes more complex as you age, until you reach a point of recession. When you are young, you only think about yourself. No one else autonomously exists but instead is only there for your own sake. Things are simple; you control yourself and thus control everything around you. As you age there are more factors brought in by others. It’s everyone else you care about that start to complicate things. It’s having more, living the lifestyle you think you should have, and consumption that drive us. Age more and life recedes into that simple state again when we finally realize that control is not ours to have, but acceptance is the only tool we can depend on.

Imagine going back to your young self and trying to explain to the little tike that you might not actually become a super hero later on in life, as was your plan at the time. If being a super hero still makes you happy, then you should do it, but in the end, it’s a really long life ahead of you, and think about all of the people that spent theirs in misery surrounded by that widescreen tv and with that trophy wife/husband.

I guess that this is kind of in response to an email I received, and I’m not sure if my response helped. But here’s an anecdote that I think fits in, but I guess it’s all in the interpretation.

I was on the LRT today. Go figure, taking it is actually faster then driving in. I usually set up camp in the far back car where it remains less than ridiculously crowed. I spent some time trying to fit my headphones so that they don’t fall off if I chew gum, and at the same time pull out some homework I can work on before I arrive back at my car. Then he boarded. It was amazing, I didn’t notice him at first, thanks to Dirty Vegas blaring through my palm pilot, nor did I notice how quickly the seats around me had vacated. He sat across from me. You could tell that he had been on the streets for a while, his face bore cracks from the sun and dirt highlighted each and every pore on his face. He tried to tie his hair back with a few loose strands avoiding his calloused grip. The strange part was that he carried a two by four. Later I would realize that the discarded construction post was a make-shift crutch. My first instinct was to move away. Of course the proper part of me decided that this would be impolite and instead I turned up my music and spent time gazing out the window. You are taught not to look at people like this, turn away from the ugliness of life, but I really couldn’t. I stared at him. I’m not sure if he noticed as he spent most of the time wincing in pain and trying to force some circulation into his knee. I’ve been taught that people in his circumstances created them. There are social programs to help him out, provide an income, and overall, ensure his security. My teaching is telling me that he is lazy and brought this upon himself. Still, I can go to a doctor without a second thought. I’m not sure how those bills get paid but they do. I know I will never spend a night on the street, or understand what it’s like when you don’t know where your next meal is coming from. I could never imagine what it’s like to have people run away from you or avoid making eye contact.

Sometimes I feel caught up with everything, but the point is that it’s nothing that I can’t handle. I won’t always be happy with my decisions or those made for me. I won’t be thrilled if someone moves away. I’m not ecstatic about the idea of having to move on, but I still have control. I have something. Sometime during my thoughts he caught my eye. I’d love to say he flashed me a big toothless grin and all was well with the world, but it wasn’t. Not for him. As soon as he got off the train, his life would still be the same, and so would mine. But I didn’t look away.

I want to be happy, and so long as I am, I’ll be a success in my own eyes. This is not to say that I’ll be a success in other’s but if I spent all my time trying to please everyone else, I’d be a miserable person. I think that if we could all finish life saying that we did not regret things we had control over or decisions that we made, there is not greater success you can have.

********************** <- asterixes

And the happy bunnies made lots of little bunnies and would soon convert to cannibalism during a carrot shortage.

The end.